He-Man
Nostalgia is my friend. I compare everything new to all the old stuff I used to love. Stuff like music, movies, tv shows, comics, books... whether its good or not is usually directly related to whether or not it was as good as something else that I used to enjoy.
So imagine my reaction when I saw that the Cartoon Network had a new He-Man series on.
I'll admit that I haven't seen very much of the new He-Man, so I shouldn't probably be writing anything about it. But that's hardly stopped me before, so...
When I was a kid, I used to watch He-Man religiously. If they'd have made a video game about He-Man, I'd have cried because my parents wouldn't buy it for me. Just like I did with all the toys.
A lot of people like to focus on the fact that He-Man STARTED as a toy line, and the cartoon series itself was only made in order to try and sell more of the toys. Frankly, I could care less if it started as a way to force young boys to watch muscular men in underwear and pink shirts in an attempt to make them all gay. The fact was, this cartoon kicked all ass.
Allow me to break it down for you:
He-Man: Here's the obvious place to start. He-Man was strong, sort of almost smart, and had a really big sword. And every so often, he'd ride around on a TIGER. C'mon! He was cool cubed!
Plus, his alter ego was a Prince! Granted, he was a lame prince with a horrible haircut who wore pink and got yelled at by women with boob armor, but still, a Prince is a Prince.
He was the protector of the people, beater-upper-of-bad-people, and he made friends with all kinds of people. There wasn't much this super awesome muscle man couldn't do.
Except math. And read. Well, ok, anything that required brainpower.
But he had a cool voice! Beat THAT, Optimu* er, nevermind.
Teela: I'll be honest here. The only thing I remembered about Teela at ALL was that she was a girl.
Since I remember almost nothing about her, I did a little back ground research.
She was Adam's mentor, who thought he was a lazy moron, cause that's how he acted (so that people wouldn't guess that he was He-Man, who looks exactly like Adam, only with a tan and bracelets. Even Superman has GLASSES at least.
Anyway, she was the daughter of the Sorceress of Greyskull, and her real father was a hero before He-Man was around (who gave his life for Eternia, where everyone lives).
Somehow she ended up being a good person, despite being the daughter of a witch and raised by a guy with a penis helmet named 'Man-At-Arms'.
Sorceress: Once again, I don't remember a whole lot about this character. I remember that she was a heck of a lot cuter than Teela, and she had wings... I'm pretty sure she never flew around or anything though.
Unless you count her turning into an eagle. Which you probably should. Since she did. Its name was Zoar!
I'm tempted to point out that she looks EXACTLY like Teela being swallowed by an Eagle, but then I remember that she's supposed to be Teela's mom. So it kind of makes sense.
She guards Castle Greyskull because its really powerful. And everyone else is too busy doing other things. What things, I don't know. I'd assume that a powerful castle would be something everyone would be interested in, but instead some chick in feathers is wholed up inside by herself. Guarding it.
But since she's a woman, she really sucked at keeping it safe, so she had to give Prince Adam a sword and a catch phrase so that he could turn into a barbarian and come to her rescue. I'm guessing she's not a very good sorceress.
Orko: So far, I'm not off to a very good start. I don't remember much about Orko either.
His main responsibility was to announce when the commercials were over, but every now and then, they'd squeeze him into the actual show too.
I seem to recall him having a really weird voice, and having the hots for some chick... I don't remember who. He was a magician from another land. A land where magicians really sucked, apparently, cause everytime he'd do ANYTHING magical, Man-At-Arms would have something terrible happen to him.
One time, Orko was miles away from the palace with He-Man, and he needed to conjure up a rope. So he did. Meanwhile, back at the palace, Man-At-Arms was eaten by cabbage.
He lived, of course, but you can't deny the awesome power of Orko's blundering magic.
If fact, I can only think of one person who's magical inadequacies top The Big O here. If you don't know who this is, I feel sorry for you. That show rocked. The casba, even!
Cringer: I remember a good deal about Cringer. Cringer made the Cowardly Lion look like Braveheart.
Cringer was afraid of everything and anything. If it had substance, he feared it. If it DIDN'T have substance, he feared it. The ironic part of this whole situation was of course that whenever Princey Adam turned into He-Man, Cringer became the powerful Battlecat. And Cringer was afraid of that too.
Cringer was always trying to avoid turning into Battlecat. Everytime he knew someone was up to trouble, he'd try to sneak off. Sometimes he actually got away with it, and didn't have to turn into Battlecat and become a hero. When He-Man would finish beating up Skeletor and making him cry, he'd come looking for Cringer.
I like to pretend that He-Man beat the shit out of him before turning back into Adam.
Skeletor: That pretty much leaves the main villain. Yeah, there were a lot more characters involved, but I either can't find anything funny to say about them, or couldn't find enough pictures to make it worth while.
Skeletor was Pure Evil given body, if that Pure Evil were to have grown up eating paint chips, spent his entire childhood being repeatedly dropped on his head, and then had acid thrown in his face.
Skeletor LOOKED cool, and even sounded cool, but he was the stupidest villain ever seen, until Shredder showed up.
He surrounded himself with idiots, he kept trying to attack Castle Grayskull, which was OBVIOUSLY a favorite hang out of a guy that kicked his ass EVERY TIME...
I kept waiting for the episode where he discovered that He-Man's true identity was Prince Adam, so that I could see the mental breakdown that would most assuredly occur from learning that the greatest foe you ever faced was the lamest looking prince in the history of ever.
Jason
Friday the Thirteenth.
When I was younger, there were two movies that ruled the horror genre. Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the Thirteenth. Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were evil, immortal, insanely scarey icons. And then they made a slew of really REALLY bad sequels, completely ruining any credibility these characters ever had as being cool evil villains.
I submit to you the latest addition to a franchise that should have been buried 4 episodes ago (at least).
Jason X.
I realize this movie hasn't been released, but before you try to tell me I shouldn't judge a movie without seeing it first, please consider this:
THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THIS MOVIE COULD BE GOOD.
Now, keeping that in mind, allow me to describe to you the basic premise of this movie. Taken directly from their own website. (be sure to watch the trailer. Its amazing. No really. You will wonder at how this movie EVER got past the concept design stage. I'm betting the guy who wrote the script either never really read it after it was finished, or he commited suicide from the horrible shame)
Sometime in the near future, a group of scientists try to chryogenically freeze Jason in order to contain him. Something goes horribly wrong, and Jason kills them all and gets himself frozen at the same time.
Now, 400 years in the future, Earth is a barren wasteland. And apparently, barren wastelands are science projects, since a group of high school students go to Earth to research ancient Earth. Naturally, they decide to research Jason. They bring him aboard the ship, where he thaws out and starts killing them.
This movie SCREAMS retarded coorporate business suits sitting in a room, talking about what would make a cool movie.
Suit #1: What we need is a horror movie, where lots of people die and are killed and there's blood everywhere. Cause there aren't enough of those yet.
Suit #2: Ooh! Let's put lots of teenage kids in it, and give it an R rating! Cause all grown adults want to see teenagers getting killed in inconcievably stupid ways!
Suit #1: God damn, that's a brilliant idea #2! Raises all around!
Table of Suits: Hoorah!!
Suit #1: Now, we need a storyline...
Suit #3: Allow me... We resurrect the old Friday the 13th franchise!
Suit #1: Its so inane that nobody would see it coming! Genius!
Suit #4: But we can't just make it a movie about Jason. Nobody wants to see rehashed old movies. We need a fresh, cutting edge new angle for this movie.
Suit #1: How about Jason, in the future?
Suit #3: Great idea! Nobody would know about him, so it'll be just like discovering a horrible secret all over again! Raises all around!
Table of Suits: Hoorah!!
Suit #2: Wait wait, I have a great idea! We'll add in some ninja kung foo heroes to fight him, and give them Matrix style costumes!
Suit #1: And they fight in a space-ship! And in the middle of the fight, Jason gets metalic cyber implants to make him even more powerful!!
Table of Suits: Raises all around!! Hoorah!!!
After all, what could possibly be wrong with taking an indestructable entity like Jason out of his home on Crystal Lake, and dumping him onto a Spaceship?? That's just pure fucking genius!! Who cares that Jason exists because of his horrible accident/murder at Crystal Lake? Who cares that everything that made him cool was his hockey mask, which they ruthlessly take from him in this new incarnation, only to replace it with a really ugly robotic looking mask, that doesn't even RESEMBLE a hockey mask?
Why the hell did they even CALL him Jason? If they were going to completely create a new villain, why try to make it Jason? Obviously these guys are inept, to say the least, but couldn't they have even TRIED to come up with a different story that doesn't involve Jason, but instead merely their new cyber-demon?
Don't get me wrong. I'm not some huge fan of the Friday the 13th series or anything. I just REALLY hate the general idea that movie makers seem to have that if you're going to revive an old series, you have to COMPLETELY change the way the movie worked and then 'upgrade' it into some kind of freak Robo Voorhees. Er... Well, you get my meaning.
Why don't I make a movie about Freddy Krueger, only in space!! Hell, let's go all out and give him robotic powered claws and place him in the Star Wars universe! Luke Skywalker may have been able to defeat Darth Vader, but how would he handle Freddy Krueger with cyber claws and a brand spankin new red striped armor suit!
Yoda could fall asleep only to be drug up the wall and shredded upon the ceiling.
My point is that this movie will suck. Whether you like it or not.
And with that, I leave you with this picture from the movie.
Ph33r my l33t $kiLL$!! I is uber!! OMG OWNED!!!
Monster Fishing
Are you tired of the levelling treadmill of current Massive Online Games? Nothing to do but hack away at the same monsters, over and over again, gaining minimal experience and virtually nothing tangible for loot? Tired of having no end-game to work towards, continually advancing your character into a complex and pointless game of expanding numbers? Ever just think: "I'd rather be fishing?"
Well THINK NO MORE!!!
Introducing MONSTER FISHING!!
Other MOGs have realized how boring and painful their core gameplay is, and have cheaply added fishing as an attempt to distract their players who are looking for a little bit more for their $12 and up per month. Ultima Online has it, Asheron's Call added it, Horizons has it, World of Warcraft will feature it... Well we here at N3 Studios realize the flaw with this thinking. Why waste time on the boring crappy action/adventure model when its so obvious that FISHING is such a popular activity?
Its with this common misconception in mind that we happily announce a new kind of MOG. A MOG where sitting in front of your computer pretending that you're sitting in front of your fishing pole watching a string is no longer just a mildly boring 'mini-game' within a game. NOW ITS THE CORE GAME, BABY!!!
That's right, for the first time ever, gamers from across the globe can pretend to enjoy their Dad's favorite past-time in a massive multiplayer setting without all the annoyances of killing monsters, player killing, or hunting for that 'uber' equipment. We've cut through all that other garbage to bring you nonstop fishing, 24/7, with nothing else to do ever! They said it couldn't be done, but we've done it! We've actually managed to remove anything even REMOTELY fun, all in the interest of giving the players what the other stupid game developers thought you actually wanted! Yay!
Monster Fishing features a wide range of options for the character selection process, allowing you to completely customize your character in virtually all categories! (except height, weight, size, shape, or otherwise). None of these categories effect anything, but we'll tell you that they will, all for your benefit, because that's how much we care!
But we don't stop there! No sir! Monster Fishing also features an enormous world filled with a huge library of fish to catch! Travel to teh Great Lakes of Watakashu, the Land of Fire, and test your arsenal of fishing lures against the elusive hellmouth guppie! Or travel to the lost lands of the north and go Ice Fishing for a chance to nab the dangerous teenage mutant ninja turtle-bass! But watch out for those penguins!
Monster Fishing even features an underwater lake, giving power gamers a chance at catching the BIG game!
Fans of questing, fear not, for in monster fishing, fish aren't the only things you can catch! There are many prizes to be found in various parts of the World of Basstopia! Travel the Gamut River of Obsticular Courses, where your skill with a rod will be tested to see if you have what it takes to weild the jewel encrusted Golden Tacklebox of Yore! Or purchase a ride on the Ghost Boat of Bubble Beard, the only boat capable of traveling into the haunted Cave of Doom, searching out all the pieces of an ancient treasure map, which legends tell holds the secret location of the infamous Unbreakable Fishing Line of Infinite Length!! Plus much, much more!!
For the treasure hording enthusiasts, Monster Fishing will allow its players to upgrade their fishing gear by selling your various fish catches for money! The upgraded gear works just like the old gear, but with a cooler name and a different color! Or, if you'd rather, you could try your odds at catching random items while out fishing, like a bobber, a new fishing hook, or even a new house to store all your new loot! Items found in this manner have a chance to feature special 'magical' attributes, some good, and some bad! What can YOU find?!
Tired of the mathmatical number crunching that dominates most of today's current MOGs? Well so are we! Monster Fishing uses an advanced random number generator which does absolutely nothing but assign meaningless numbers to things, completely removing any chance of figuring out the system and exploiting our bad math skills! Everyone wins!
And if you're a fan of live events, well friends, we've got those too! Monster Fishing features a religion system which allows players to choose one of five seperate Gods to worship! It doesn't matter which God you choose, as none of them will ever help you, and each are equally powerful! However, the Gods are controlled by our very own developers, and we're all very petty and egotystical. The four Gods that you've chosen to insult by NOT worshipping them will all be competing with each other to gain your worship, and they'll do anything and everything to convince you that you to change your affiliation, from blowing up your house and everything in it, to constantly throwing your character into a volcano or shooting you with lightning nonstop forever and ever! You can't get much more developer interaction that this!
Since no water-based game can be considered complete without Pirates, Monster Fishing will feature two pirate ships which might randomly appear out of nothingness and attempt to plunder your row-boat! You can't fight them back, as this would be an action/adventure element, and everyone knows this is outdated and boring. So your only option will be to try to outrow them by repeatedly clicking the mouse button over and over until you either outrun them or they board your ship and kill you.
Star Wars Galaxies
I had a dream. I dreamed of sneaking up behind an imperial storm trooper, and cutting off his ankles with my mighty Ewok Dark Jedi Master. I had a dream of tripping every wookiee in the galaxy. I even dreamed of looking Yoda in the eye without having to pick him up.
That dream has been crushed.
The makers of "Star Wars Galaxies" have spoken. There shall be no Ewoks in Star Wars Galaxies.
This is, for lack of a better word, a god damn travesty.
No Ewoks? Star Wars, with no Ewoks?? If it weren't for Ewoks, where would the rebels be now? Dead, that's where. Without the Ewoks, Leah, Han Solo, and the rest of them would have fallen at the hands of the Empire.
Ewoks allowed them the precious time they needed to bust into the compound and do right what once went wrong. Or something like that.
My friends, this is not what Luke would have wanted.
Now, I know that many people hated the Ewoks. They screamed that they were the dumbest thing to have ever happened to Star Wars.
I have only one thing to say to these people. "Meesa Jar Jar Binks!"
Thankfully, Sony Online Entertainment has decided that the Gungan will also not be a playable race. They will however be an NPC race. I can only play that they'll be a killable NPC race.
And if I had my Jedi Ewok, I'd make it a point to hunt down each and every single Gungan in the universe and bust out their kneecaps.
I'd strike in the night. I'd chop off their toes, and skin their shins. Jar Jar would know true fear. They'd whisper my name, and shiver from the sound of it.
All would learn to fear Yub Yub the Dread.
But noooooooooooooooooo. Sony decided that Ewoks weren't important enough to be a playable race.
According to the Star Wars Galaxies FAQ page:
3.18 Why are Jawas not a playable species? With very few EU exceptions, we've never really seen Jawas away from Tatooine, so it would be disconcerting to see large numbers of them on other worlds. Also, we simply couldn't make every species playable. We selected eight because that was an achievable number that still offered great variety. None of this prevents us from including Jawas as playable later, though, if the demand is there. |
The same could be applied to Ewoks, I imagine, but personally, I don't care.
Let me be an Ewok.
If you want to stay true to the movie lore, fine. I don't care. I'll stay on Endor. I'll live there through the entire game.
I'll build the biggest, baddest tree village the galaxy has ever seen! And I'd have booby traps everywhere! Storm Troopers would cry at the mere though of going to Endor! Big swinging trees on ropes, slingshots armed with rocks, trip lines for speeder bikes... You name it, I'd have it! Even the Emperor himself wouldn't dare visit MY moon! His fancy schmancy Jedi lightning ain't gonna help him much against a tree trunk to the face!
Boo-ya!
Also taken from the Star Wars Galaxies FAQ:
3.20 If I customize my character to be fat or thin, will it adversely affect my abilities or gameplay? No, visual customization of your character during creation will not affect you statistics or hinder your gameplay. |
Can I make him short, stubby, and covered in fur with a tattered cloak?
Then who cares?
3.22 Can male characters grow beards? You can select facial hair as part of the character customization process. Beards won't "grow" over time, though. |
Will the beard make me look like an Ewok? No?
Then who cares?
3.26 Will we be able to write bios for our characters? Yes, you'll be able to compose a short backstory for your character, if you wish. You can display the bio to other characters if you feel so inclined. |
"Yub Yub was rather tall for an Ewok. He'd been in a terrible accident when he was a child, and was burned across his entire body, preventing hair from ever growing there again. People often mistook him for a human, since he ISN'T ALLOWED TO PLAY AS AN EWOK!"
4.23 Will SWG have skills for taming and training creatures? Yes, we have designed a range of skills in the Creature Handling profession that allow players to tame, control, train and care for their creatures. Every creature has its own properties in each of these categories and as a result some will be more or less difficult to handle than others. A successful animal handler will discover the most desirable creatures that also have the best handling traits. |
I'm so getting me a pet Ewok. In fact, I'll get two. Then I'll stuff the fuckers full of viagra and breed a billion little Ewoks and drop em off all across the universe. Then I'll enroll them all in school so they can learn to build tie fighters and light sabers and anything else they wanted, and then Sony Online Entertainment can't tell me anymore that Ewoks aren't smart enough to get off the planet!!!
3.31 Can I do things like hug, kiss, and dance in the game? Yes, there will be lots of animated emotes. |
That would come in really handy when you're partying down with your fellow Ewoks in their treetop village during their big party.
Oh... wait, no... guess we won't be able to do that...
3.32 Are you planning to include "badges"? Yes, players can earn "badges" for various achievements in the game. Players can also choose which badges they display to other players. Some example badges include: Missions Completed; Bounties Collected; Areas Explored; NPCs Killed; Items Sold; and Resources Discovered. We'll also have some "out of character" badges, such as: "Months Subscribed" and "Total Game Time." Finally, if we can, we'd love to support some player-granted badges, such as "Best Role-Player" and a "Badge of Self-Sacrifice." |
"Best Immitation Ewok. Since You Can't Actually BE An Ewok."
3.34 Can Twi'leks decide how to "lay" their lekku? Yes, during character creation you can pick a “head tail” style.
Gay.
4.03 Will I be able to become a stormtrooper? Unfortunately, the constraints of the Imperial hierarchy prohibit us from allowing players to actually become stormtroopers in the initial launch product. Service in the Empire would be very difficult to enforce; if we did allow stormtroopers, players would constantly be AWOL as they explored other aspects of the game. Rest assured, however, that players will be able to serve the Empire in many other ways. |
Imagine how cool it would be to see an Ewok Storm Trooper.
Not that it matters. No Ewoks. No Storm Troopers.
4.17 Is there going to be an apprentice system in the game? Yes. In fact, some professions will even require that players train an apprentice in lower-tier skills before progressing in certain higher-tier skills. We're using this system to encourage interaction between experienced and novice players. We also hope that it will foster long-lasting relationships between players, strengthening the community. |
Now THIS is a good idea. See, now I could have Jedi's come visit Endor and teach my little Yub Yub the ancient arts of space travel.
Obviously, Sony Online Entertainment hates Ewoks.
I mean, they made the damned Bothan a playable race, but not the Ewoks. The Bothan weren't even IN the movies.
And Wookiees? Psh. Cheap ewok ripoffs. How's a Wookiee supposed to sneak up on anyone? They're too big. And in a laserblaster fight, they're a HUGE target.
Besides, how's a Wookiee supposed to use the Jedi Mind trick on anyone?
Look, I'm not asking for much.
Just to be able to play a shorter version of a Wookie.
Is that so bad?
Well, and to be able to build miniture Death Stars that fling huge rocks at any moon in the galaxy leaving it barren and covered in craters.
That'd roxor.
The Spanky Files
Written by Shawn Seuferer
illustrated by Justin Parks
Spanky is a gerbil. He likes his cake. He likes chew sticks. He likes to go to the bathroom in his ball. He likes to chew on newspaper but he can't because I won't let him because if he does chew on newspaper, he will get sick because certain kinds of ink in the newspaper can be toxic.
One day, Spanky went for a walk in the woods. Wait, not the woods, the park. No, the .... ah, who cares. Anyway, he went for a walk.
While he was walking he fell into a hole.
He jumped out of the hole
and fell back in.
Then he jumped out again
and fell back in again.
Then he jumped out and decided he wanted to go back into the hole.
He traveled through the hole until he popped out into outer space. He didn't like outer space because he had difficulty breathing.
So he went back into the hole.
After a little while, Spanky came back out another hole. He ended up in a forest.
He liked the forest so he hopped out and ran around until he fell asleep. While he slept he had a dream. He dreamed that he was eating sunflower seeds in a submarine named Zorbob. Then robots came out and made him dance. After that, he woke up. When Spanky was awake he noticed that he was not in the forest, but in a cave instead.
This was very interesting to Spanky. "How did I get here?" Spanky pondered thoughtfully. Then, a big bear leaped out at Spanky from behind a rock and made threatening, gurgly noises towards Spanky, but Spanky was not frightened.
Spanky leaped into the air and bit the bear so hard on the nose that the bear ran away.
Spanky ran outside of the cave to see where he was at. When Spanky looked outside, Spanky saw lots and lots of trees.
This meant that Spanky was still in the forest after all. This made Spanky stamp his feet with glee. "YAAAAAA-HOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Spanky in triumph. Wait a minute, Spanky is a gerbil, so Spanky can't speak. Giving human characteristics to an animal is called personification, I think.
But since I'm not sure, it doesn't really make any difference. Besides, this is a fictional story anyway. Heck, for all I know Spanky could be a girl. I forgot to ask the pet shop owner if Spanky was a male or female and I really don't want to look down there. Oh well, back to the story.
Spanky ran into the forest and leaped into the trees.
Spanky couldn't do this in real life, but like I said before, this is a fictional story. Anyway, Spanky leaped into the trees and perched on a branch just right for Spanky.
Spanky nibbled on the branch a little while. After Spanky got tired of that, Spanky leaped to the ground and ran around in circles. Then Spanky darted off toward the cave. Spanky reached the cave and noticed a crevice in the wall that Spanky didn't notice before. Spanky leaped ferociously into the crevice.
It was dark and damp and smelled like Old Spice. Then Spanky noticed a light up ahead. Spanky leaped ferociously out into the open.
Spanky looked around the room and saw a candle in the middle of the room on the floor. Spanky was inspecting the candle when all of a sudden an old man popped his head around the corner and smiled. "Hello, my little friend," the old man whispered gleefully.
Spanky, in a frenzy of claws and teeth, leaped onto the old man's face and fought with all his might.
The old geezer screamed wildly as Spanky ripped him to shreds. It wasn't a pretty sight. Then Spanky stopped the ferocious onslaught with a puzzled look on his face. "I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else."
Spanky left the room out a hidden exit. How did Spanky know where the exit was? I don't know, but he did. Spanky ran around and got tired so he took a nap. While he was asleep he had a dream. He dreamed the he was a Bohemian Rat Chicken and ran around eating innocent people.
Spanky didn't like this dream so he woke up. When he woke up he went berserk because it was cool. He ran back and found that old geezer again and attacked him. He ripped him to shreds again.
Then Spanky said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were somebody else again." Spanky was hungry so he decided to go get something to eat. He ran all the way to Chucky Cheese's and boy were his arms tired!
When he got there he went and sat down. This big fat rat came over and said, "hello there little rodent." Spanky took one look at the stupid rat and leaped on him. In a frenzy of teeth and fur, Spanky ripped the rat to shreds. Then Spanky left Chucky Cheese's but before he did he changed the name to Spanky Cheese's.
Then he thought the entire place was stupid so he blew it up.
After that, Spanky went to the zoo. This was the funnest place he'd ever been, thought Spanky. He leapt from cage to cage, confusing the whole zoo.
And that was that.
